Goldman Sachs Hates Kittens

You can't make this stuff up. I guess GS is so busy doing God's work, which does not entail taking care of harmless kittens.

Since Goldman Sachs has been a big part of the Lower Manhattan fabric for almost a century and a half, we’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to the rest of the country on behalf of our neighbor, a financial giant personifying much of what is wrong on Wall St.

Before we get to the multibillion-dollar stuff, we’d first like to apologize that the firm has not yet paid a few thousand dollars of vet bills for the five kittens born in its headquarters building nearing completion in Battery Park City. In August, after our sister publication Downtown Express reported the kittens’ discovery, Goldman offered to pay the bills and encourage its employees to adopt the “BlackBerries.”

It may be just a matter of Goldman waiting to get the vet invoices — we can’t imagine they’d stiff kittens while writing out bonus checks worth $23 billion — but the cats still need adoptive homes. (Incidentally, anyone interested in one of these adorable kittens should e-mail their rescuer, the Brotmans, at rbrotpaw@aol.com.)

As for that headquarters, most of the money to build it, $1.6 billion, came from tax-free Liberty Bonds, a post-9/11 federal program. We’re sorry the firm was not more careful constructing the building, as a project architect was paralyzed by falling debris, and neighborhood children and a cab driver were almost hit in separate incidents.

Goldman did contribute an infinitesimal percentage of project money, $4.5 million, to help pay for a nearby library and community center. Originally, Goldman was “only” going to get $1 billion worth of tax-free bonds. But when the firm pulled out of the deal, former Governor Pataki and Mayor Bloomberg sweetened the offer in 2005 with more bonds and $150 million in incentives.

Perhaps a GS partners can find a room for the kittens in one of his extra Hampton houses. Rumor has it that kittens are good at warding off the devil, so that would be an added benefit for all those with space reserved in hell.